Life: Peanut Day!

Haha, it is exactly what it sounds like: ultrasound day to see our tiny little peanut.

(7w2d ultrasound)

I don't think I can tell you all enough of how nervous I was for this first ultrasound. 

Here is a little truth about me: I am a constant worry wort. 

Anything that makes me nervous or is out of my comfort zone, you can always, without a shadow of a doubt, garente that I am a hot mess of worry. 

You would think since this is my forth time riding the "conception-go-round" (and the well known fact that I'm Ms. Fertile Myrtle) that I should be well seasoned by now. But truth be told, I'm not and each new pregnancy takes a tole on my nerves. 

I feel like I am experiencing "new mom syndrome" all over again with the intensely terrifying and constant worry coupled with horrible anxiety. After losing a child at 18 weeks gestation previously, it hasn't made those feelings any easier. I exhaust myself with worry because I am so terrified. 

I am utterly and horrifically terrified of miscarriage. 

Recently, I have seen so many of my peers experience this terrifying reality in pregnancy. I sit in silence as I watch their grief flow out over social media. Oh how I wish I could reach out to them, hold their hand and tell my own story and how I know their pain, but I never do. Honestly, I am still coping with that loss. I wish I could tell them reasons as to why, and that it will get better. But with truth, it's hard. It will get easier as time passes, but that's just it: we all need time to heal. In my silence, my heart breaks all over again. It breaks for them and for every single woman and couple who have had to experience the loss of a precious child. 

I lost my child a year ago and I found my comfort and peace in Scripture.  To be honest, some of these were bathed in my tears as I wept. Some were given to me perfectly right when I needed them, and some needed to work their way into my heart as I grieved. But all of them somehow, brought healing in my utter brokenness and still provide that.

"I am weary with my moaning; every night I flood my bed with tears; I drench my couch with my weeping.  My eye wastes away because of grief, it grow weak because of all my foes.  Depart from me, all you workers of evil; for the Lord has heard the sound of my weeping.  The Lord has heard my supplication; the Lord accepts my prayers." - Psalm 6:6-9

"The Lord is near to the broken-hearted, and saves the crushed in spirit." - Psalm 34:18

"Just as you do not know how the life breath enters the human frame in the mother's womb, So you do not know the work of God who is working in everything." - Ecclesiastes 11:5

"Can a mother forget her infant, be without tenderness for the child of her womb?  Even should she forget, I will never forget you." - Isaiah 49:15

"We know that in everything God works for good with those who love him, who are called according to His purpose." - Romans 8:28

(Scriptures were all taken from the RSV & NAB translations)

Even with my fears, I am so glad to have the support that I do. God had blessed me tremendously this year, He has filled my life with so many forgiving and loving people. The best part is this precious gift made of flesh and bone that grows so rapidly each week inside my body.

"For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well." - Psalm 34:18